work life balance – Juniper and Daisies

Or, is it just a Millennial thing?

Am I doing too much? Or, not enough? These two thoughts bounce around my head constantly. Whether it comes to parenting, managing the house, or my own personal work projects. Creative projects, sorry.

Sometimes, or rather, most of the time, it feels like I’m drowning in everything that I have to do. Splitting time up between moming, keep the house somewhat clean and organized, doing a little bit of work, doing a little bit of something I like to do to relax, and trying to keep up with this crazy world we call the internet.

When I first started blogging, it seemed so simple, so easy. I started making okay money on Medium, thinking I’ll run into some pretty-damn-good-let’s-quit-my-job money. That, obviously, did not happen. Because, the writing world exploded with people who didn’t care about writing, but cared about clickbait and made a living that way. Not for me.

Anyways.

Everything seemed so simple back then. I was freelancing and making some money. I had a job that was paying me decent. I didn’t have a child. I had tons of freedom, time, and disposable income. Now, I’m in a very different situation. Living my life as a stay at home mom, yet trying to do a bit of writing on the side and make a little bit of an income. Because being poor? I’m not into it. Not for me. I want that disposable income.

So, I’m trying everything, all at once. I scrapped my old blog, and started a new one (this bad boy you’re reading on) for the only reason because the first didn’t serve me, anymore. I threw away subscribers and followers and page views that were careening towards really great. I was making a small amount of money from my blog, and yet I didn’t care. It wasn’t for me, anymore, so I switched gears. I made 0.001cents four months ago. That’s it. I know it’s a long-game when you’re not writing clickbait, so I can breathe without passing out. But, it’s a pain in the ass.

I’ve also decided to take on personal writing projects and a bit of freelancing. I published a baby book with my friend as the illustrator , and then we published two more. (yes, hello, here is a link to all of them if you are so inclined to buy a copy)

While some may say that sounds like enough, I decided that it wasn’t and I’ve started a business with my friend, who also illustrated those children’s books. Curious as to what it is? Go have a look at Juniper and Oak Editing! I’m sure I’ll be talking about it more.

In the gig economy and reach for your stars motivation of Instagram and wherever else people get their information and jealousy from, the above sounds standard. Some days, it feels great. I’ve found that putting in tons of time into Medium gives me dick all, so I’ve stopped that. It’s now a place where I just word vomit and that’s enough for me.

My blog, my personal writing projects, those are for me. I’m writing them for people to connect with my words, for people to enjoy my content, not to explicitly make money (I mean, that’d be nice, right?). They feel like the ultimate side gig, though. Something that makes me happy, but can generate money.

So, why not add a business onto my busy-enough life? Seems logical.

From what I’ve been seeing on Instagram, the week later Tik Tok, it seems like this type of thinking is engrained in our Millennial brains. Boomers be off booming. Gen X works hard, but also plays hard. Gen Z has learned the true meaning of boundaries. And, Millennials? Well, we’re stuck at the office cleaning up everyone else’s mess while the media says we’re the ones making it. We’re there to never say no, as our parents taught us not to ‘rock the boat’ and hold a strong work ethic.

But, what happens when that strong work ethic is a bit too strong? That we want to people please, and do a great job, and be the first one in the office, and follow our dreams, and have some peaceful mental health, and go on great vacations? Burn. Out.

I’ve written about this before, but it was always about everything in life.

Toxic Motivation is Running Some of us Into Complete Exhaustion

Now? What is this burn out that I’m feeling? It feels different than before because it doesn’t just hit every couple of weeks, but every damn day. I could easily say it’s probably something neurodivergent because the obsessive is slamming with the manic and it’s an absolute riot in my brain, but that’s not the whole story.

I feel like I’m not doing enough even though I’m doing absolutely everything I can. My friends, similar ages, feel like they’re not doing enough even though they’re doing absolutely everything they can. Moms in mom groups feel like they’re not doing enough even though they’re doing absolutely everything they can.

Perhaps it’s less of a Millennial thing and more of a female thing? Because what do you get when people are born at a time when there were strong gendered roles in the world, but also at a time of the emergence of more independent women, superhero women who can do it all, and the slow shy away from specified gendered roles? Women who feel like they should be able to do it all, and do it all alone, while still shouldering most of the ‘female specified’ roles in the household, child or not.

Maybe it’s time to take a page out of a Gen Zer and say ‘no, thanks’ to a few more things. Set more boundaries. Know that I can do it all, but for only a short amount of time, and anyone saying they can is kidding themselves, or missing a key piece of life. We always see rich older gentlemen in movies sitting on a pile of wealth, but less memories with families. They have it all in a money sense, but not the whole picture, and they can afford assistants and chefs and maids.

So, what’s a person to do who cannot afford such things? Starting building those walls.

And, no, not like that.

Put up those walls to form a few boundaries. Know that we don’t need to keep working every second of the day. Know that, while it feels like we didn’t do much in the day, it adds up to a whole hell of a lot. Know that a single work day doesn’t need to cram 10–12 hours of work into 5 hours. Know that we can take breaks and breathe and take a fucking step back.

Know that, while we can have strong work ethics and work hard, we can also have less toxic environments, even if they’re the environments we have created for ourselves in our heads. Because working longer, faster, harder all the time doesn’t get you everything in the end. It just gets you burned the fuck out.

I used to be ashamed of my work background. Ashamed I couldn’t hold a job for more than 3 years, ashamed that I kept quitting and moving on. In the gig world, this doesn’t seem crazy. It’s the normalcy of life.

In the old school world of being a company man or woman, it’s ludicrous.

Whenever I’d send a Resume to a job I kinda sorta wanted I’d worry about the employer taking one look and seeing that I had tons of experience, but that I left a job every 2–3 years. How would that reflect on me and my capabilities?Would they go with someone with less experience, but who was loyal to their employers? The one(s) who would stay with a company for years, sucking away at benefits and pension plans?

It always made me nervous, but it shouldn’t have. Perhaps the thought of me ‘kinda sorta’ wanting the job should have made me more nervous than what my Resume said. It was always a means to an end, never something I truly saw myself in for years to come. Nothing that I assumed I’d be retiring from in my 60s. It was always something to do, something to try, something more to see, instead of a life-long career.

When I was younger, my goal was simple: I had to do everything. I wanted to be a ballerina, a singer, a model, a police officer, a swimmer in the Olympics, Prime Minister, and of course, a writer. Maybe I’d be an actor, too. I’d definitely be a lawyer, then an all-reigning judge. Always, always, I’d be living in New York and driving a Lamborghini.

Well, I don’t live in New York and I don’t think I’ll end up driving a Lamborghini in my life, but I’ve done a lot of things besides that. None of which have been in the realm of the above, of course. Except for writing, but even that turned out to be far different than I had imagined as a little kid.

I’ve been fully unemployed, tasting freedom while simultaneously being stressed to the max. I’ve worked in retail. I’ve worked administrative jobs. I’ve been in real estate, both as a Realtor and as an assistant. I’ve managed social media accounts as an actual job. I’ve managed a full sales team, painstakingly taking notes and stats on every single member. I’ve reviewed business plans and helped immigrants start a new life in a new country. I’ve bought LSAT textbooks, ready to take the exam, but backed out when I realized it wasn’t my dream. At 80+ hours a week, it better damn well be your dream. And, of course, I’ve written. A lot. Of everything. But, not the numerous best-selling books that my 13-year old self assumed I’d be penning.

Mainly, a lot of poorly paid bullshit that helped me gain confidence in my writing, at least partly. Do you ever feel truly confident in your writing, in your pitches, in handing in an assignment?

But, throughout all of those jobs, both good and bad and horrible and wonderful, I’ve learned something from each of them. Not all jobs are going to be dream jobs, even if it’s your dream you are in. Like writing. That shit is a mess that will never be cleaned up, but it’s been evolving throughout the years, changing course as I do the same in other areas of life.

I’ve had three difference blogs, each growing in different ways and niches. From my Captain Pirate Pete on tumblr where I shouted to the world that I once ate a button (completely true. Yes, I was drunk. No, not the entire button), and gushed about my ‘92 Tempo. To my traveling blog, dedicated to a subject I loved, but quickly shut down when I started comparing myself to those better traveled and better equipped with fancy cameras and poses in front of mountains and buildings and flowy dresses in souks. But, that was okay. Because I still wanted to do more. Because for someone who hates change, I absolutely love making career changes. Now, I’ve my own lifestyle blog (I guess who doesn’t today) that isn’t wildly successful, but it gives me great pleasure.

I get to write what I want and people read it. How absolutely novel!

Except you can’t necessarily make a living just writing what you want to.

While I was having fun and falling in love with writing again, shame followed closely behind me, urging me to find a better paying job, one that looked good on paper and sounded much nicer than the ill-defined I’m a Writer. It’s hard answering the question who do you write for? when you don’t always write for anyone, and you very rarely write for anyone people would have heard of.

So, instead of going for what I truly wanted, I kept going for jobs that I kinda sorta wanted. And, I kept feeling the same as I did before. I’d feel stuck, I’d feel stressed, I’d hate most of my days, but stuck it out just so people would think I was accomplished.

You’d think that in 2019, when people aren’t so quick to judge others, that all kinds of lives are the new normal, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. That anyone wouldn’t be feeling this way. How is it that we have gotten past race (for the most part), gender (for the most part), and sexuality (for the most part), but we still hold onto the career? The idea that everyone needs to be incredibly successful and needs to stay in the same job for years to come? We still look at how much someone gets paid as their success, we still look at a promotion as a success, and those things are great successes. But, they’re not the only measurement of success. Looking good on paper doesn’t always translate into real life, and the same goes with looking disorganized or all over the place.

I’m only 30. A spry, young age for someone to have held so many jobs. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. I’ve never found something that stuck, something that made me enough money to support myself AND made me feel good. Because it’s not just that perfect career we’re after, it’s the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that you’re living your dream. So, I kept looking for one without thinking about it, without wanting to settle, but was still unsure of where I wanted to go. Because that kept changing.

I jumped into real estate after coming home from my office job, the coveted office job I had wanted for so long, salivating at the clothes I could wear, the heels I could buy and the tumblers of coffee I’d tote to work, and asked myself Is this it? Do I really just work 8–4 and come home tired and exhausted from semantics and gossip and budget reviews every day for the rest of my life? Living how I wanted to in the evenings or for two full days on the weekends?

Is this all there is? TV and small vacations?

Before you jump to conclusions, no I’m not touting any of that ‘live your life and work where you want’ freelance stuff. Enough of us have been there, and that’s not exactly how it works out. All beaches and sunsets and laptops. But, I hated the idea that my time wasn’t mine anymore. Had I worked so hard (alright, moderately hard) in University just to do some entry-level job that had me going nowhere?

I became instantly horrified at the idea that this was adulthood and that This. Was.It. Why we all go grab a degree, what we were all reaching for. It may seem like I was meant for the freelancer life, that the regular 9–5 schtick wasn’t for me, and maybe that’s true. But, it wasn’t just the annoyance of having limited freedom, it was that my goal of getting an office job and bringing home a steady income was already met. It didn’t matter what office job I had at the time, as long as it was an office job. Anything but working until midnight. I didn’t know if I could do anything else. Which sounds beyond absurd. But, I couldn’t make huge life decisions on a whim like in University because I had a mortgage to pay, I had responsiblities, but I had no more goals.

I felt suffocated.

I needed to pivot, to change what I was doing. And, I loved it.

Turns out, changing my career every so often helped me feel better about myself and helped me feel like I was achieving everything I wanted to. Because you don’t get to do everything by staying in one job for the rest of your life. I realized that I can keep adding on new goals and pivoting when something doesn’t feel right.

And, that’s the word to use: pivot. It sounds like you know what you’re doing, that you’re doing the same thing, but sliiightly different. It doesn’t sound like you’re floundering, searching for the way out and into the new. It just sounds like you have extra responsiblities, exciting opportunities.

A recent job of mine had me making my own position. Something that had my eyes sparkling. I could find a perfect niche for myself and do a little bit of everything until it was perfectly, exactly what I wanted.

Of course, that’s not really how it works. It never was perfectly, exactly what I wanted. Nothing is ever perfect. But, it was close. It was what I needed in that moment, and it shifted over the years. Unfortunately, it ended up shifting into something I no longer wanted. So, I pivoted.

I stressed out at first, feeling ashamed that I would be leaving yet another job, one that was made exclusively for me, at that. But, I shouldn’t have been.

I learned new skills. I broadened my horizons and I added something a little extra to my Resume. It’s okay to grow out of things. Even if those things fall under your career.

I’m slowly doing everything I had wanted to do as a child: everything. I may not end up as a model (but I’ve had headshots taken! Ah, the weirdness of real estate). And, I may not ever be a singer or an actor, but I’ve done a lot of things that made me happy in that moment of time. I originally wanted to look and be like Barbie. Somehow, the money for that boob job never materialized, and I changed courses. People change. Our needs change. Why can’t our career aspirations and jobs?