relax – Juniper and Daisies

Why do some of us think we need to work ourselves into total physical sickness?

Hello, I’m some of us.

I don’t know if this weird work ethic was distilled in me during my youth, or if it’s something I’ve picked up throughout my life, and much more during the social media age, when I’ve realized that I’m a woman and am supposed to do it all.

Guess what?

You can’t do it all.

It just isn’t possible.

As a mom, the expectations have changed and not for the better. I’m supposed to work, take care of my child like I do not work, have a perfectly cleaned home, get 8 hours of perfect sleep, do not screw up raising my child in any slight way, do not watch too much TV or have too much screen time (Ditto for child, of course), have a beautiful body that requires time spent at the gym and eating wonderfully crafted healthy meals, look my best and do a 48 step skincare regime, be constantly updated on world affairs and politics, meditate and not become stressed, learn new languages or crafts, go to therapy and make sure my brain is just as perfect as my body, family, and home.

Add in the fact that I’m a stay at home mom who only works through writing a few hours a week and I have to be constantly in tune with my child, doing amazing things with her nonstop AND my house needs to be perfect. Because I’m at home, so why shouldn’t it be? With a toddler also at home. It just makes sense. Sory if that sarasm hit you too hard in the face.

Funny how my husband doesn’t need to do all of the above just to be a ‘good dad’ or a ‘good person’.

Something’s gotta give, and every day it’s different. But, still, the idea that I have to be doing it all is crushing.

The other day, I wrote down everything that I was doing. A lot included chores and day-to-day living, but there was also a hefty amount of work on there as I’m readying a large project. I thought about when I was in an office, working diligently at a desk, laughing with emplyees, and taking an hour long lunch break, daily. I broke out everything I was doing into how long it would take me at an office, and what would be an appropriate time-frame to complete everything.

Turns out, I was trying to cram in an entire two weeks worth of work in one day. No wonder I was feeling like a failure and like the weight of everything on my list was crushing me. Talking with my friend, she also mentioned how she feels the same way. She doesn’t get enough done in the day, yet she’s doing a perfectly acceptable amount of work if she was sitting in an office.

So, why do we feel this way? Why do we feel like we need to continuously be working, that we shouldn’t take any down time, even though we know that it’s good for us. Obviously, the pressure of trying to do it all is one of the biggest factors. The toxic motivation that we throw onto every situation is another one. That quote that Beyoncé has the same amount of hours in a day as you? It can get stuffed.

Yes, Beyoncé does have 24 hours in the day, but it is not the same 24 hours that you, or me, have. At least, not if you’re the average person. I could get so much done if I had a driver, a nanny, a chef, a maid, a personal trainer, a personal shopper and stylist, and an assistant. I’m making assumptions as to who she has on her payroll, but if I’ve learned anything from years of watching the Kardashians it’s that those with money have almost, if not every, single one of the above. Also, if I had the money, why wouldn’t I outsource a bunch of my daily tasks so I could focus on myself, my family, and my most important projects?

When I was working in real estate, I had a raging migraine, but still needed to finish a deal. My parents drove me around that day and the amount of work I got done on my phone was astounding. That is barely a fraction of the help that celebrities have, and yet we’re constantly comparing ourselves to them, thinking we have the same 24 hours in a day as they do.

The fact that I experience burn-out once a week is not healthy, and not something I wish to keep achieving. So, I’m trying for a little different of an approach to living life, especially that as a woman. I cannot be a career woman AND spend a ton of time with my child. I cannot have a perfectly clean house constantly AND have down time for myself. I cannot have a gym-influenced body AND get the million little things I need to do done. I cannot always provide perfectly healthy meals AND keep on a budget.

And, all of that is perfectly okay. I can’t do it all. I don’t know who can. At least, not without help. Life is a sliding scale. There was a time where my house was wonderfully clean and expertly decorated. There was a time when I worked 80 hours a week and was happy with that. There was a time where I didn’t listen to my body and ended up in the hospital with severe pain, brought on by bought after bought of stress.

We need to stop telling women, stop telling everyone, that we can have it all. Because we can’t. Not all at once, not every single day. Breaks are okay, hell, they’re encouraged. Who ever said you need to be wildly successful before 35?

Find your timeline and work with it. Slide that scale whenever needed and tweak your life until it’s what works for you, not some motivational influencer you found on social media. Because, we all do not have the same 24 hours in a day.

The best advice you’ll ever get as a parent: take the entire day, and night, to yourself.

Whenever grandparents would babysit, I would rush around trying to do everything. I’d clean the house, workout, work on some writing, study a bit of French. In the early days, I’d either sleep, or lay on the couch watching TV, half asleep, just trying to survive. There is no better feeling than sitting on the couch in your jammies, eating snacks no one is stealing, and watching your favourite TV show. To think I took this type of relaxing for granted.

I may have been getting some things done, but I still felt exhausted and like I was drowning, constantly. It didn’t seem worth it to continue to try to get everything finished as fast as I could in the little time that I had to myself. Besides, my house was completely trashed in ten seconds once my toddler returned home. The level of clean and tidiness I was reaching for when she was away was not sustainable, which is a completely different topic. So, when my husband was away on a trip and my daughter was at her grandparent’s for a sleepover, I did something I hadn’t done in a very long time: I did absolutely nothing.

I did some things that needed to be done like making supper and a few dishes, but I didn’t try to write 5,000 words, or study, or run myself into the ground trying to clean the entire house from top to bottom. I sat on that couch and watched TV and read and did everything I used to do when my husband went away on his annual snowboarding trip.

At first, I felt weird. The house was too quiet. I felt like I was wasting my time and that I should be taking advantage of the free time by trying to make last minute plans with friends, or do something productive. But, I held steady. I told myself to just relax and do whatever I wanted to in that moment. That meant lying on the couch, eating snacks, and watching that TV. It also meant that my mind start get bored (I also got a little fidgety and twitchy, which is a little concerning that that was my body’s response to total quiet and relaxation) I felt like I could write, again. So, I did that. Because it felt right.

I went to bed that night feeling a little weird, but relatively satisfied with my evening. The next morning, I woke up feeling refreshed, cheerful, and exactly how my old self used to. I got up and had my coffee, still hot, and read a magazine. Don’t worry, the lazing stopped there as chores needed to be done, but they didn’t feel quite as ‘chore-y’. I scooted through the list of to-dos, stopping to watch an episode of TV or read a little more. Even though I was being productive like I had originally that I had to be every single second away from my child, it felt good. I didn’t mind the chores because my mind was well-rested, and I had some actual time to myself.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the trap of trying to be as productive as possible every waking second, kid(s) or not. Once you have that free time as a mother, the whole perspective changes. What are you going to do with those few hours? See friends? Hang out with your husband/partner? Workout? Relax? Sleep? Work on fulfilling projects? The list is endless on what we feel like we have to do, but not what we want to do. It’s time we started thinking about ourselves and letting our own wants and needs take over. If all you want to do with your free time is absolutely nothing, then do it. You’ll reset your mind and feel a whole lot better about everything. Trust me.