Tag: ppd

Even if it feels like you’ll die here.

I never thought I’d make it here, but I have. Just over a full year of breakdowns, rage, postpartum depression, anxiety, stress, so many tears, so many of the ‘I will never sleep again’ and the ‘I will never do anything again’. A full year of ups and downs, smiles, and more tears than I’ll ever be able to count. A full year of amazing memories and fucking straight up exhaustion. A full year, and I made it to the other side.

I’m sitting in my kitchen after a day of errands, chores, visits, play, relaxing, reading the teeny tinies one too many times, baking, and supper. And I feel great. Well, maybe great is a strong word. My back hurts, I don’t want to read the teeny tinies anymore, and I’m sick of picking up everything I just put away. I’m sitting here contemplating cleaning a little bit more while my daughter toddles around the house, content to play with empty cups and tear flyers and magazines apart.

I never thought I’d make it to this day. I honestly thought I’d be stuck in mom hell, waiting for a precious two minutes to myself, needing my husband home or babysitters to make those two minutes happen (and then when you have them, what to do with those precious minutes?!). I never thought I’d be able to get things done and not feel so exhausted that all I could do is watch TV and sleep in my ‘off time’. But I’m here. I made it.

During that newborn stage as a first-time mom, where you have no idea what is going on, you never think that your baby will sleep again. Toxic people will tell you just to leave them, insist on it, that it’ll be good for them to cry, and it’s the only way. You’ll stress over this, wondering if you should even if your entire instincts are screaming no. You’ll feel trapped and wonder just what the hell you did to your life. Your friends will tell you that you really do sleep again, and that you don’t need to change anything, that they will — eventually — just sleep. They tell you that it’ll get easier regarding time management, and you will get to drink your coffee hot again. You call them all liars.

And then…babies get bigger, and they start — usually — sleeping a little better. And, even if they aren’t sleeping better, you’re sleeping better because you’re not up feeding them every two hours. You stop taking naps for every single nap they take. They start getting more independent and can drink out of cups and don’t need formula or breastmilk anymore. They start actually eating the food instead of throwing it on the ground. They start picking up their toys and helping you clean up, even if it takes twice as long, some days. While I haven’t gotten to the stage of fully potty trained and dressing themselves yet, I know it’s coming.

I know that all of those mothers who say it’ll come aren’t lying. I know that kids do things in their own time, and everything is okay if they’re still not sleeping through the night at a year and a half, or if they’re not saying 100 words yet, or learning Japanese. Okay, the last two are exaggerations, but with the pressures out there to be perfect parents and have perfectly adjusted and smart kids, is it really?

The days when my baby would fall asleep on my chest and only want to sleep on my chest are gone. While it may make me a little nostalgic to think that she doesn’t want that anymore, the hugs and kisses she gives me make up for that. And the fact that I can sit here writing out whatever comes to mind while she naps or entertains herself is wonderful.

So, mama, if you’re out there in the trenches thinking you’re the only one up with your baby or toddler at 2 am, know you’re not. If you’re thinking that you’ll never sleep without your child again, know you will. If you’re thinking that you’ll never have your days back, you’ll be nap-trapped forever, you’ll never drink your morning coffee hot, you’ll always be stressed out and feel so absolutely damaged from your hormones and maybe birth and this huge, huge change in your life, know you will get those days back, drink that coffee, and feel like a human, again. You will find your way back to yourself, even if the road is bumpy and covered in overgrown brush. I never thought I would, but I made it.