Mom Life – Page 2 – Juniper and Daisies

Even if it feels like you’ll die here.

I never thought I’d make it here, but I have. Just over a full year of breakdowns, rage, postpartum depression, anxiety, stress, so many tears, so many of the ‘I will never sleep again’ and the ‘I will never do anything again’. A full year of ups and downs, smiles, and more tears than I’ll ever be able to count. A full year of amazing memories and fucking straight up exhaustion. A full year, and I made it to the other side.

I’m sitting in my kitchen after a day of errands, chores, visits, play, relaxing, reading the teeny tinies one too many times, baking, and supper. And I feel great. Well, maybe great is a strong word. My back hurts, I don’t want to read the teeny tinies anymore, and I’m sick of picking up everything I just put away. I’m sitting here contemplating cleaning a little bit more while my daughter toddles around the house, content to play with empty cups and tear flyers and magazines apart.

I never thought I’d make it to this day. I honestly thought I’d be stuck in mom hell, waiting for a precious two minutes to myself, needing my husband home or babysitters to make those two minutes happen (and then when you have them, what to do with those precious minutes?!). I never thought I’d be able to get things done and not feel so exhausted that all I could do is watch TV and sleep in my ‘off time’. But I’m here. I made it.

During that newborn stage as a first-time mom, where you have no idea what is going on, you never think that your baby will sleep again. Toxic people will tell you just to leave them, insist on it, that it’ll be good for them to cry, and it’s the only way. You’ll stress over this, wondering if you should even if your entire instincts are screaming no. You’ll feel trapped and wonder just what the hell you did to your life. Your friends will tell you that you really do sleep again, and that you don’t need to change anything, that they will — eventually — just sleep. They tell you that it’ll get easier regarding time management, and you will get to drink your coffee hot again. You call them all liars.

And then…babies get bigger, and they start — usually — sleeping a little better. And, even if they aren’t sleeping better, you’re sleeping better because you’re not up feeding them every two hours. You stop taking naps for every single nap they take. They start getting more independent and can drink out of cups and don’t need formula or breastmilk anymore. They start actually eating the food instead of throwing it on the ground. They start picking up their toys and helping you clean up, even if it takes twice as long, some days. While I haven’t gotten to the stage of fully potty trained and dressing themselves yet, I know it’s coming.

I know that all of those mothers who say it’ll come aren’t lying. I know that kids do things in their own time, and everything is okay if they’re still not sleeping through the night at a year and a half, or if they’re not saying 100 words yet, or learning Japanese. Okay, the last two are exaggerations, but with the pressures out there to be perfect parents and have perfectly adjusted and smart kids, is it really?

The days when my baby would fall asleep on my chest and only want to sleep on my chest are gone. While it may make me a little nostalgic to think that she doesn’t want that anymore, the hugs and kisses she gives me make up for that. And the fact that I can sit here writing out whatever comes to mind while she naps or entertains herself is wonderful.

So, mama, if you’re out there in the trenches thinking you’re the only one up with your baby or toddler at 2 am, know you’re not. If you’re thinking that you’ll never sleep without your child again, know you will. If you’re thinking that you’ll never have your days back, you’ll be nap-trapped forever, you’ll never drink your morning coffee hot, you’ll always be stressed out and feel so absolutely damaged from your hormones and maybe birth and this huge, huge change in your life, know you will get those days back, drink that coffee, and feel like a human, again. You will find your way back to yourself, even if the road is bumpy and covered in overgrown brush. I never thought I would, but I made it.

When we decided to go on a trip to France with our 11 month old, it didn’t seem crazy or strange. It felt normal. I wanted to go on a trip, had been waiting for a time to come when we could travel safely and freely, again, and had felt pent up after two years of staying inside or close to home. Wanting a cute family trip, we picked France due to the amazing rate I found on an apartment overlooking the sea in Antibes, and the fact that we felt comfortable there. While it felt normal to go on a trip with a baby, I wasn’t ready to jet off to Morocco with one.

Travelling with a baby is hard and stressful at times, but it’s also a wonderful journey with your little one you’ll never forget. It doesn’t matter that they won’t remember it — some things you just do for yourself. Besides, the photo of my daughter sitting in the Mediterranean Sea or frolicking in front of the Eiffel Tower are some of my favourites. The memory of sitting with her in a cafe while it lightly rained outside is one I’ll never forget. It never concerned me about what we would do once we got to France, never concerned me that we would have to buy diapers there or formula or take it a little low. What concerned me was the flight.

After following numerous baby/family travel accounts on Instagram and researching everything I needed to know about bringing an infant on a plane, I felt confident in what we needed, but felt more anxiety than I had in a long time. I felt like crying thinking about people getting angry and making huffing comments to me about my child and my lack of respect towards them. The same type of people who would talk loudly while everyone slept or take up more than their fair share of space or recline their seat the second they’re in the air, I’m sure. I read all sorts of horrible things that people said about babies being on flights, essentially meaning that babies should be no where near humans or civilization until they are — at least — 8 years old and can sit quiet for a while, content with an activity book.

I was ready to be awake the entire flight, knowing that I’d be exhausted, but not wanting to be that asshole with a crying baby for the entirety of the flight. I brought so many snacks and toys and everything we would need, cramming in every last piece until our suitcases were about to explode. I readied myself for horrific comments, knowing I’d bite back with something scathing yet cry in the bathroom later.

So, when I boarded that plane with baby, I was surprised when the flight attendants smiled at her, entertained by her winning smile and all around adorable 11 month shenangins. On our first flight, a short-haul, no one seemed to bat an eye at the fact that a baby was sitting near them. No one made any comments, no one screamed at us. I breathed a sigh of relief and actually enjoyed those two hours in the air as my daughter ate her snacks, played with her toys, and then napped contently in my arms.

After hours spent in an airport lounge trying to get her giggles and energy out while eating as much as we could without feeling lethargic and icky, we boarded our second flight, a 9-hour long-haul. I was feeling much more at ease with a baby on a plane after having experienced it, even if it was short. Even though I was feeling pretty decent, the people around us may not have. As we boarded the plane, turning left into the premium economy cabin I had been adamant on (more room for baby, food constantly, great post-pandemic deal) I could see the stress and horror run across the faces of those who had paid more for a — hopefully — quieter and roomier flight. I didn’t blame them. Flying for 9 hours can be annoying and exhausting enough; no one would want to deal with a screaming baby for those 9 hours.

But, here’s the thing. A baby will — most likely — not scream for those 9 hours. They will maybe cry on take-off and landing if they refuse the breast, bottle, or snacks and water to help with their ears. They will maybe cry if they’re hungry. They may be a bit fussy and whiney every so often, but it is unlikely that they will scream for that long with no end in sight. And, with the right tools on your journey, you can cut all of that down to nil or very little.

I will admit, feeling the people around us tense up at seeing our baby happily boarding the plane, looking excitedly at everyone and everything, had my anxiety flare up. But, I held strong on feeling okay with it. Babies are allowed to be in public, and even though people act like this isn’t true, an airplane is public transportation. It is just a giant bus in the sky. Was I on edge a little more whenever she let out a peep? Of course. I always am when we are in public. But, I’d remain calm and calm her, getting what she needed to be happy and content. The flight attendant was amazing and so helpful, giving us extra tips and tricks and letting us know the best way to eat in peace.

At the end of that flight, the man across from us told us how amazing she was the entire flight as he took his luggage down from the overhead compartment. I beamed with pride, feeling like we had won family travelling, but if it wasn’t for the fact that babies needed to be ‘good’ and perfectly silent when in public, I never would have felt that anxiety or stress that society places on moms and babies.

Boarding a plane with a baby will be anxiety inducing every single time, even if you’re feeling pretty relaxed. There’s always that chance that absolutely everything will go wrong and there will be nothing you can do to stem the flow of pure shit — both literally and figuratively. As a society, we all have to remember that babies are part of our society and allowed to be out, too. Shutting up parents for years just so babies can look a part is cruel. If we remember this, maybe this anxiety will lessen and over time, become obsolete. A travelling mom can only hope.