Tag: anxiety

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Life

Working Through the Brain Sludge

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I’ve been at this writing thing for quite some time. I used to scribble stories in journals when I was younger. I’d write down my feelings and day-to-day happenings in my diary, something that wasn’t always as fun as telling stories. Maybe that’s why I got bored of the regular lifestyle blogging that pulls so many in. I don’t care about the day-to-day activities or hashing about it all every. single. day. I love stories.

But, what happens when your brain suddenly turns off and it’s impossible to tell any type of story? It’s been weeks since I’ve posted on here, mainly due to sickness just before Christmas and then the excitement of the holidays. Though ours weren’t particularly packed with plans, I felt content with the few things we had on our calendar and the rest of time was taken up with relaxing, family outings, and cleaning.

Eventually, my basement will be clean and more useable. Maybe even cute and not filled with stacks of crap everywhere. Eventually.

But, as my English professor used to say after every 10 minutes…I digress.

The start of the fall had me feeling on top of the world. I had got going on this blog, hoping to reach a few people, maybe – eventually – make a little bit of money from it. I started a business with my pal, Sarah, doing editing and writing projects (psst it’s juniperandoakediting.ca if you want to check it out). I added two more books to my name on Amazon, bringing the Baby Paris series to a close, but ready to create more travel kid’s books.

It was all feeling great. I had the motivation. I, somehow, had the time. And then….

Well, it all kind of took a turn. I couldn’t seem to think of anything to say. Everything sounded forced and stupid and just…not right. Luckily, I had an arsenal of posts already written and at the ready to go live. But, I was feeling incomplete. I had no more outlet for my creative feelings, feelings that were still living inside of me, but were being tamped down with so many other things.

Social media scrolling. Toddler shenanigans. Sickness. Busyness cleaning. TV watching. Imposter Syndrome.

My mind was constantly running. Even at the gym, I started playing mahjong on the elliptical instead of mindlessly staring out the window. I stopped listening to music at the gym, stopped reading books while on the bike. I wanted to just take a minute to free my brain, but somewhere in all the messiness that is life I couldn’t let it happen.

I used to meditate before bed. I would meditate in the evening or the morning, sometimes sitting on the dock of my pond before I went to work. I haven’t even tried to get back into that rhythm. Though it would look very different with a toddler about, and I could probably only get a good meditation in before bed, I didn’t even try. I had been in survival mode since my daughter was born and kind of didn’t think to get out of it.

Though I haven’t felt the need to go to bed at 7pm just so I could get more sleep, or take multiple naps during the day, or feel so touched out that I just sit and stare at a wall for 10 minutes every night, I still wasn’t doing what I wanted. Or, rather, doing things that matter to me. Because I’ve been doing what I wanted: watching TV, seeing friends every so often, scrolling, making travel plans. And, doing things that I thought I should do: cleaning the house, working as much as I could to get a business off the ground, posting here, but not really feeling it the last month.

I’ve been doing things, but just nothing that truly matters. And, it’s been affecting my brain. How I’ve been feeling.

I sort of made some New Years’ resolutions, even though I don’t really like them. I think it’s better to make changes to your life when you need it, rather than a list of things you think you should be doing just because the clock has struck midnight on the previous year. My resolutions are less list-y and nothing is centered around weight loss (such a population resolution), they’re more of things I’m going to continue working on in my life.

I’m going to just go for it all. I’ve been stuck in Imposter Syndrome for a long, long time. I was worried that I wasn’t as cool as other bloggers out there when I was working on The LT Edit and I didn’t go hard enough on it. I haven’t hit my writing goals because I’m afraid that if I’ll fail. I struggled with starting my business because I was worried it would fail.

What silly thoughts that kept me from achieving success. This blog isn’t the same as my previous lifestyle one, but maybe it’ll morph into something different over time. Right now, it’s for me to tell stories, and for people to (hopefully!) enjoy them. I’m not going to worry about sounding silly, or whether or not I’m cool enough to blog. I’m just going to do it.

I’m going to go for my writing goals. Work on it and just do it. I was worried my business would fail, and while we’re not making millions, we’re just starting out with lots of room to grow. I was worried about publishing a children’s book, but every time someone buys it I get excited. We definitely haven’t hit any high sales, but I did it. I have an author page on Amazon and GoodReads and that’s pretty fucking cool.

I’m going to be more chill about things and try to worry less. Last year saw a lot of growth in my therapy for OCD. I want to continue to work on that and become less anxious. It’ll be what it’ll be.

And, lastly…

I want to be myself, again. Motherhood is hard and you end up losing yourself along the way. While I’ll never be the same person I was two years ago, I can do the things that I enjoy. Which means a trip to Paris with friends, no husband or child (something I’ve excited and nervous for!). It means making cute outfits just for the grocery store. It means indulging in things I used to love (like ordering a FabFitFun box, again. I stopped because products contained palm oil, but it looks like they’ve moved to cleaner products. We will see how it goes). It means working out, going outside more, gardening, and meditating.

We need to let our minds wander a bit as creative souls. Being so ‘ON’ all the time is exhausting. If we don’t get bored every so often, or quiet our thoughts down, how are we going to pick out the good ones?

So, I’m going to focus on letting my mind wander. I’m going to do things just because they bring me unfettered joy. I’m going to post things and not worry about if it’s rambling or stupid or if anyone will read it. Because it feels right. Hopefully, something exciting comes out of it all. And, if not, at least I’ll be beyond happy.

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Life

How Complete and Utter Boredom Led me to Cut Down on Technology in Life

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I am bored. Bored with my hair. Bored with my decor. Bored with my writing. Bored with my friends and family and life and general happiness. I’m not sure why. But, I’ve begun to see a pattern as to when I start feeling this way, when the boredom and apathy starts taking over and it’s brought me to this new jumping off point. Which is a great place to start if you’re feeling bored because a jumping off point, no matter the height, is exciting.

This isn’t one of my usual posting days, but I’m starting a new experiment with myself, I wanted to post it when I started it (honestly, I should’ve posted it last night when I started rambling, but I figured some coherent sentences would be great). Lately, I’ve been feeling bored with everything around me and it’s been making me an angrier person than I already am. It took me a while to realize why, and I may still be wrong, but I’ve stopped caring about the world around me because I feel like I don’t need it.

Because, I don’t. Not in the way that I need trees and the eco-system to sustain itself so I can breathe and live, but in the way that I can alter my own eco-system and ignore the rest. If I have my phone, my social media connections and distractions, it doesn’t matter what’s going on around me, I’m carving out my own little world, my own little eco-system.

This, besides being a terrifying scene from a futuristic movie about robots taking over the world, is frightening in a whole new way. I’ve always tried my best to ignore all things internet and computer related, and nod along whenever people talk of Facebook making them feel less, making them feel sad, making them feel anxious. But, with the simplicity of acquiring new information and watching the best shows — right on my phone — I’ve forgotten my scorn for social media and the like, I’ve dove right in and lost myself in the process.

A few weeks ago, I was in Australia visiting my friend. There were 5 of us staying together, visiting and happy to see one another after months apart. Except, one night I noticed that we were all just sitting around on our phones. I noticed this because I hadn’t brought mine out yet, assuming we would be spending time together before we were apart. Now, we had been spending a lot of time together and some mindless scrolling is helpful when you’re constantly with people. I love to retire to my room to read even for 10 minutes during a busy cabin weekend. I even love to just sit in the bathroom for a minute or two if a party is particularly large and exciting/over stimulating. But, all I could see were people watching useless videos online instead of interacting with one another.

This happens all the time because we are constantly connected to our phones. Yes, I’m one of those people. I’ll stop to take some photos for instagram, sometimes posting that minute, but I physically try to keep my phone away so I can interact with the world around me.

At least, I used to.

I’ve slowly become so dependent on my phone, on being constantly entertained, on watching the next thing on Netflix that I’ve halted my ability to do anything but be told what to do from my phone. Reading is a chore. Going outside is exhausting. Yoga, meditation, general exercise is too much. This is all extreme, but it’s how I’ve been the last few weeks. I’ve been bored because I’ve been overstimulated with the screen in front of me. At least, that’s my assumption.

I’ve ignored reality and my surroundings, choosing to scroll through social media when bored rather than getting creative, exercising, or just giving into the boredom and seeing where it takes my mind. I talked about the stressors of living without the internet, but also about the absolute freedom and relief that comes from not being so attached here. I should know better, and yet, I keep getting pulled back in.

A startling discovery was when I didn’t want to watch anything on Netflix, but felt that I had to, that there wasn’t much else to do besides spend time on my phone. I was literally just wasting away hours until bed when I could’ve been doing so many more productive things, things that I love to do.

So, my new experiment is this: limited internet and phone usage. Earth-shattering goals, I know. While I cannot completely cut out my computer/tablet/phone from my life as it is part of my work, I can pump the brakes on it. I have my own routine to calm and destress me, one that I adhere to every night, but I’m taking it a step further. Maybe it’s not the only thing I need, but I’ve become so dissociated with life that I can’t ignore it any longer.

It’s time to use my phone/tablet/compute more wisely. It’s time to read more insightful articles both online and off. It’s time to waste an entire afternoon curled up on the couch with a good book and hot beverage instead of wondering if anyone posted on Instagram. It’s time to take my life back and integrate myself back into reality. And, if I get bored, the good kind of bored that lets your mind wander and day-dream, so be it.

Categories
Life

The Silent Pain of Living with Chronic Pain

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I can’t really remember a time in my life when waking up with searing pain above my eye, or a throbbing so deep that I assume my brain will explode with the my next heartbeat wasn’t normal.

I know that I didn’t have migraines when I was a child, that they came upon me when I became a teenager, when hormones were thrown into the mix of my body, but it feels like this pain has always been there, always been on the back of my mind. And, you know what? It’s starting to wear me the fuck down.

My migraines started in high school, but were very episodic. No big deal, I could pop some Advil and away I went to school or my job. Soon, Advil wasn’t cutting it, though, and naproxen came onto the scene. I loved naproxen and it seemed like the best solution for my pain. However, it didn’t last long. I’ve had a long road of different pain relievers, all working at one time, but never really hitting the pain every time, or for the long-haul. I now know this to be normal for most everyone, but it is one of the most annoying parts of finding something that works only to find out it only works sometimes. Cue the start of fatigue of finding treatments.

Years went by and the migraines only got worse. They went from episodic to chronic, and it was normal for me to have 11-15 migraines a month. I was in pain every single weekend, when my stress let down, causing a migraine, grabbing for pain killers that only sometimes worked. I’d go to my job, feeling like absolute garbage, like my brain was going to explode, as I had already taken two sick days that month. Luckily, I never had a job where anyone counted sick days – if you were sick, then why were you at work? was the thought process.

It took one horrible migraine day where my co-worker brought me to the hospital, one nurse who asked if I took any preventatives (a preventative? I didn’t even know there were such options. I was still riding that naproxen wave), to get me to see a neurologist.

Sure, things got a little better in the migraine department, I went down to two migraine days a month with preventatives, vitamins, and cutting out alcohol and some foods. But by then, the damage had already been done. I was stressed, anxious of when my next attack would occur. I couldn’t work out, something I had loved to do. I had to stop boxing, had to stop any intense physical activity. I could barely go for walks without feeling like I’d get an attack.

I ended up feeling so nervous not to be stressed, that I was making myself stressed. I had a rigid bedtime routine, I had to sleep a specific amount of hours, I could only eat certain foods, I couldn’t have any alcohol, my stomach could barely handle pain killers as I had ripped it to shreds with uncoated naproxen throughout all those years. I worried about my job wanting to fire me (something I know had come up in a previous job, though that work-life balance was very toxic) because I had migraines. I had to quit a previous job I loved due to the stress that exacerbated my migraines.

It was only the beginning of what I would have to change in my life because of these stupid things that came and went as they pleased, wreaking absolute havoc along the way. I didn’t yet know that it would get worse, that the anxiety surrounding my chronic pain would ratchet up to new heights, that I would start to feel hopeless in ever feeling normal, again.

Recently, I went to a bachelorette weekend, armed with everything I usually do in a normal day: I had my acupressure mat, my vitamins, my ginger tea, I was going to bed later than usual, but at a still appropriate time. I brought a fan in case I got too hot in the cabin, which – thankfully – had A/C. It was a bougie place, my friends. I had three sips of wine during the fun wine tasting that was put on, knowing that if I imbibed a little more than that I could end up with a migraine. I ate cherries, having my healthy snack before bed. And yet…I still woke up with one.

The next morning, I quietly sobbed as I realized that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the weekend, that my pain was going to be there all day and not be a quick fix with any drug, that I’d probably end up with one the next day, as well. I packed up my things, trying my best not to wake anyone while I alternated between vomiting and sobbing. I wasn’t upset that I was missing out on the fun, at least, that wasn’t what was giving me these feelings of dread. It was the fact that I couldn’t do anything, anymore, without an impending attack.

I cried while my friend held me, telling her I just wanted to be normal, that I couldn’t do anything, that I couldn’t just have a day, or a night, or a weekend, where my pain was looming, waiting to attack. She told me that my body was being an asshole and had let me down. And, it was true.

My body, something I had my normal doubts about regarding how it looked (or, rather, how magazines said it should look), but still felt very comfortable in and loved. My body that got me through pregnancy and birthed my daughter, showing me just what it can really do. My body, once so strong and lean, ravaged by a neurological disorder, a silent pain that people believe to be ‘just a headache’.

My migraines may not be chronic anymore, they may be only 3-5 a month, but the silent pain is still chronic. The anxiety over wondering if I will get an attack on an airplane, again, or if I will miss out on days while I travel. If I will be able to make plans, or if I’ll have to cancel them. The plans that I have missed, both not important and very. The days that I miss in my daughter’s life because I am unable to take care of her.

The pain isn’t chronic, but the damage has been done. I no longer feel like I can do properly live my life, not how I would like to, not in any way that is considered ‘normal’ (see: waking up without pain being a normal thing). The exhaustion of trying different treatments, the money spent, with nothing truly working as well as it should, is heavy. Thinking outside the box, thinking inside the box, feeling as if it’s futile to even try.

I know I’m not alone in this feeling as there is a huge migraine community out there, and many more who suffer from some sort of debilitating disease or disorder that feel the same as I do. I know that we all need to tweak our lives so we can live them to the best of our ability, to be happy, but also so that we don’t aggravate whatever it is that is ailing us.

But, damn, this silent pain that anyone with chronic pain goes through is exhausting. Perhaps one day I won’t feel the constant pressure and anxiety coursing through my veins, and that gives me the little hope I need to just keep trying.

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opinions

The World Feels like it’s Spinning out of Control

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I never used to be this scared. This anxious. I used to go head first into things, thinking I was invincible, that I could do absolutely anything if I just put my mind to it. I’ve lost that, and while some of it is my own fault, I’m going to selfishly put the blame on the entire world.

This world that we live in feels so absolutely chaotic I sometimes wonder how we will survive another day. Gas prices, food prices, housing, it’s all going up, up, up, while wages stay stagnant or they rise slightly and then inflation sets in, resulting in zero progress.

The threat of nuclear war is, once again, on our doorsteps as Putin unravels a little more every day, desperate to win a war that — almost — everyone is aghast he started in the first place.

A pandemic ripped through the entire world, bringing the economy and everyone to their knees. We found out just how reliant we are on certain countries to keep us in our Amazon orders. We found out that some people will believe absolutely anything if it’s spewed on Facebook or Instagram. We also found out how strong science can be. Sometimes, the spinning leads to some good things.

More shootings happened in America, and will obviously continue to happen as everyone clutches their guns tightly to their chests, screaming of ‘freedom’ as they bury children who didn’t deserve a single one of these horrific moments.

Still in America, women’s rights are being taken away at alarming rates. The most ‘free’ country in the world always felt constricting to me, but now it’s reverted back to times most of us have only read about in history books.

We learned, or re-learned, of a dark, dark past with the Canadian government and Indigenous children. Some schools seemed to have taught it (I remember this from elementary/middle school social studies), while others buried the history.

Every day a new poison comes to light. This will kill you, now. That will kill you, now. Check everything vintage for lead, but also don’t buy new stuff. Plastic will drown us all, vegetarian is the way to go, but also an environmentally friendly diet that includes meat is great, but don’t forget a new kind of milk, but it takes more water to make, but try the vegan butter, but it contains palm oil.

Our weather is turning on us, creating horrible disasters that are the norm. After two years of intense drought in my region, I second-guessed vacationing in France this year as they experience horrible drought conditions. The fact that this is the new normal kept my plane ticket active. I’ve also gotten pretty good at water conservation, so I guess that’s helpful when another person is selfishly added to a country.

All of this is happening, and we’re becoming desensitized to it all. Just like the start of the pandemic, which had me in tears as I read about people dying in Italy, and yet if you fast forward to only a few months later, seeing that only 10 people died of covid in my province didn’t seem so bad.

Yes, while I’ve listed a complete shitshow above, a lot of horrible things have happened throughout time. We really don’t need to look very far, it’s happened time and time again, and will clearly keep happening because humans are the most destructive animal on this planet. My father-in-law remembers having to duck and cover under his desk due to nuclear threats. We’ve seen many wars in the past 150 years. We’ve seen the Depression. We’ve seen times where women didn’t have the right to vote or own land or do anything. We’ve seen more than one pandemic. This is not new, and yet, it feels so powerfully heavy. Social media and constant news may be the culprits of this as we are constantly connected and aware of what is happening, and, yet, something feels different. It feels more ominous as time goes on. The future hasn’t looked bright in a long time, and some of that may be on my own outlook, my pessimism, and my anxiety. But, a lot has to do with yet another round of history repeating itself and one too many revolutions needing to be fought.

I’ve no easy answers to all of this, as there rarely is one to encompass everything, but we need to do better. As humanity, as a community, as the world. What other animal destroys their own happiness and their own home so easily, so readily? We need to grow up, look in the mirror, and wonder if this is really what we want our lives to look at. Because I’m sick of feeling scared of the future, scared of my daughter’s future. The future should always contain hope, always look bright, even if that light is barely peaking through.