Author: michleeann

A lover of all things Karl Lagerfeld, Golden Girls enthusiast, and loves books from Hemingway to Harlequin.

Categories
Life

We Shouldn’t be Ashamed for Changing Careers Often

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I used to be ashamed of my work background. Ashamed I couldn’t hold a job for more than 3 years, ashamed that I kept quitting and moving on. In the gig world, this doesn’t seem crazy. It’s the normalcy of life.

In the old school world of being a company man or woman, it’s ludicrous.

Whenever I’d send a Resume to a job I kinda sorta wanted I’d worry about the employer taking one look and seeing that I had tons of experience, but that I left a job every 2–3 years. How would that reflect on me and my capabilities?Would they go with someone with less experience, but who was loyal to their employers? The one(s) who would stay with a company for years, sucking away at benefits and pension plans?

It always made me nervous, but it shouldn’t have. Perhaps the thought of me ‘kinda sorta’ wanting the job should have made me more nervous than what my Resume said. It was always a means to an end, never something I truly saw myself in for years to come. Nothing that I assumed I’d be retiring from in my 60s. It was always something to do, something to try, something more to see, instead of a life-long career.

When I was younger, my goal was simple: I had to do everything. I wanted to be a ballerina, a singer, a model, a police officer, a swimmer in the Olympics, Prime Minister, and of course, a writer. Maybe I’d be an actor, too. I’d definitely be a lawyer, then an all-reigning judge. Always, always, I’d be living in New York and driving a Lamborghini.

Well, I don’t live in New York and I don’t think I’ll end up driving a Lamborghini in my life, but I’ve done a lot of things besides that. None of which have been in the realm of the above, of course. Except for writing, but even that turned out to be far different than I had imagined as a little kid.

I’ve been fully unemployed, tasting freedom while simultaneously being stressed to the max. I’ve worked in retail. I’ve worked administrative jobs. I’ve been in real estate, both as a Realtor and as an assistant. I’ve managed social media accounts as an actual job. I’ve managed a full sales team, painstakingly taking notes and stats on every single member. I’ve reviewed business plans and helped immigrants start a new life in a new country. I’ve bought LSAT textbooks, ready to take the exam, but backed out when I realized it wasn’t my dream. At 80+ hours a week, it better damn well be your dream. And, of course, I’ve written. A lot. Of everything. But, not the numerous best-selling books that my 13-year old self assumed I’d be penning.

Mainly, a lot of poorly paid bullshit that helped me gain confidence in my writing, at least partly. Do you ever feel truly confident in your writing, in your pitches, in handing in an assignment?

But, throughout all of those jobs, both good and bad and horrible and wonderful, I’ve learned something from each of them. Not all jobs are going to be dream jobs, even if it’s your dream you are in. Like writing. That shit is a mess that will never be cleaned up, but it’s been evolving throughout the years, changing course as I do the same in other areas of life.

I’ve had three difference blogs, each growing in different ways and niches. From my Captain Pirate Pete on tumblr where I shouted to the world that I once ate a button (completely true. Yes, I was drunk. No, not the entire button), and gushed about my ‘92 Tempo. To my traveling blog, dedicated to a subject I loved, but quickly shut down when I started comparing myself to those better traveled and better equipped with fancy cameras and poses in front of mountains and buildings and flowy dresses in souks. But, that was okay. Because I still wanted to do more. Because for someone who hates change, I absolutely love making career changes. Now, I’ve my own lifestyle blog (I guess who doesn’t today) that isn’t wildly successful, but it gives me great pleasure.

I get to write what I want and people read it. How absolutely novel!

Except you can’t necessarily make a living just writing what you want to.

While I was having fun and falling in love with writing again, shame followed closely behind me, urging me to find a better paying job, one that looked good on paper and sounded much nicer than the ill-defined I’m a Writer. It’s hard answering the question who do you write for? when you don’t always write for anyone, and you very rarely write for anyone people would have heard of.

So, instead of going for what I truly wanted, I kept going for jobs that I kinda sorta wanted. And, I kept feeling the same as I did before. I’d feel stuck, I’d feel stressed, I’d hate most of my days, but stuck it out just so people would think I was accomplished.

You’d think that in 2019, when people aren’t so quick to judge others, that all kinds of lives are the new normal, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. That anyone wouldn’t be feeling this way. How is it that we have gotten past race (for the most part), gender (for the most part), and sexuality (for the most part), but we still hold onto the career? The idea that everyone needs to be incredibly successful and needs to stay in the same job for years to come? We still look at how much someone gets paid as their success, we still look at a promotion as a success, and those things are great successes. But, they’re not the only measurement of success. Looking good on paper doesn’t always translate into real life, and the same goes with looking disorganized or all over the place.

I’m only 30. A spry, young age for someone to have held so many jobs. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. I’ve never found something that stuck, something that made me enough money to support myself AND made me feel good. Because it’s not just that perfect career we’re after, it’s the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that you’re living your dream. So, I kept looking for one without thinking about it, without wanting to settle, but was still unsure of where I wanted to go. Because that kept changing.

I jumped into real estate after coming home from my office job, the coveted office job I had wanted for so long, salivating at the clothes I could wear, the heels I could buy and the tumblers of coffee I’d tote to work, and asked myself Is this it? Do I really just work 8–4 and come home tired and exhausted from semantics and gossip and budget reviews every day for the rest of my life? Living how I wanted to in the evenings or for two full days on the weekends?

Is this all there is? TV and small vacations?

Before you jump to conclusions, no I’m not touting any of that ‘live your life and work where you want’ freelance stuff. Enough of us have been there, and that’s not exactly how it works out. All beaches and sunsets and laptops. But, I hated the idea that my time wasn’t mine anymore. Had I worked so hard (alright, moderately hard) in University just to do some entry-level job that had me going nowhere?

I became instantly horrified at the idea that this was adulthood and that This. Was.It. Why we all go grab a degree, what we were all reaching for. It may seem like I was meant for the freelancer life, that the regular 9–5 schtick wasn’t for me, and maybe that’s true. But, it wasn’t just the annoyance of having limited freedom, it was that my goal of getting an office job and bringing home a steady income was already met. It didn’t matter what office job I had at the time, as long as it was an office job. Anything but working until midnight. I didn’t know if I could do anything else. Which sounds beyond absurd. But, I couldn’t make huge life decisions on a whim like in University because I had a mortgage to pay, I had responsiblities, but I had no more goals.

I felt suffocated.

I needed to pivot, to change what I was doing. And, I loved it.

Turns out, changing my career every so often helped me feel better about myself and helped me feel like I was achieving everything I wanted to. Because you don’t get to do everything by staying in one job for the rest of your life. I realized that I can keep adding on new goals and pivoting when something doesn’t feel right.

And, that’s the word to use: pivot. It sounds like you know what you’re doing, that you’re doing the same thing, but sliiightly different. It doesn’t sound like you’re floundering, searching for the way out and into the new. It just sounds like you have extra responsiblities, exciting opportunities.

A recent job of mine had me making my own position. Something that had my eyes sparkling. I could find a perfect niche for myself and do a little bit of everything until it was perfectly, exactly what I wanted.

Of course, that’s not really how it works. It never was perfectly, exactly what I wanted. Nothing is ever perfect. But, it was close. It was what I needed in that moment, and it shifted over the years. Unfortunately, it ended up shifting into something I no longer wanted. So, I pivoted.

I stressed out at first, feeling ashamed that I would be leaving yet another job, one that was made exclusively for me, at that. But, I shouldn’t have been.

I learned new skills. I broadened my horizons and I added something a little extra to my Resume. It’s okay to grow out of things. Even if those things fall under your career.

I’m slowly doing everything I had wanted to do as a child: everything. I may not end up as a model (but I’ve had headshots taken! Ah, the weirdness of real estate). And, I may not ever be a singer or an actor, but I’ve done a lot of things that made me happy in that moment of time. I originally wanted to look and be like Barbie. Somehow, the money for that boob job never materialized, and I changed courses. People change. Our needs change. Why can’t our career aspirations and jobs?

Categories
Life Mom Life

Toxic Motivation is Running Some of us Into Complete Exhaustion

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Why do some of us think we need to work ourselves into total physical sickness?

Hello, I’m some of us.

I don’t know if this weird work ethic was distilled in me during my youth, or if it’s something I’ve picked up throughout my life, and much more during the social media age, when I’ve realized that I’m a woman and am supposed to do it all.

Guess what?

You can’t do it all.

It just isn’t possible.

As a mom, the expectations have changed and not for the better. I’m supposed to work, take care of my child like I do not work, have a perfectly cleaned home, get 8 hours of perfect sleep, do not screw up raising my child in any slight way, do not watch too much TV or have too much screen time (Ditto for child, of course), have a beautiful body that requires time spent at the gym and eating wonderfully crafted healthy meals, look my best and do a 48 step skincare regime, be constantly updated on world affairs and politics, meditate and not become stressed, learn new languages or crafts, go to therapy and make sure my brain is just as perfect as my body, family, and home.

Add in the fact that I’m a stay at home mom who only works through writing a few hours a week and I have to be constantly in tune with my child, doing amazing things with her nonstop AND my house needs to be perfect. Because I’m at home, so why shouldn’t it be? With a toddler also at home. It just makes sense. Sory if that sarasm hit you too hard in the face.

Funny how my husband doesn’t need to do all of the above just to be a ‘good dad’ or a ‘good person’.

Something’s gotta give, and every day it’s different. But, still, the idea that I have to be doing it all is crushing.

The other day, I wrote down everything that I was doing. A lot included chores and day-to-day living, but there was also a hefty amount of work on there as I’m readying a large project. I thought about when I was in an office, working diligently at a desk, laughing with emplyees, and taking an hour long lunch break, daily. I broke out everything I was doing into how long it would take me at an office, and what would be an appropriate time-frame to complete everything.

Turns out, I was trying to cram in an entire two weeks worth of work in one day. No wonder I was feeling like a failure and like the weight of everything on my list was crushing me. Talking with my friend, she also mentioned how she feels the same way. She doesn’t get enough done in the day, yet she’s doing a perfectly acceptable amount of work if she was sitting in an office.

So, why do we feel this way? Why do we feel like we need to continuously be working, that we shouldn’t take any down time, even though we know that it’s good for us. Obviously, the pressure of trying to do it all is one of the biggest factors. The toxic motivation that we throw onto every situation is another one. That quote that Beyoncé has the same amount of hours in a day as you? It can get stuffed.

Yes, Beyoncé does have 24 hours in the day, but it is not the same 24 hours that you, or me, have. At least, not if you’re the average person. I could get so much done if I had a driver, a nanny, a chef, a maid, a personal trainer, a personal shopper and stylist, and an assistant. I’m making assumptions as to who she has on her payroll, but if I’ve learned anything from years of watching the Kardashians it’s that those with money have almost, if not every, single one of the above. Also, if I had the money, why wouldn’t I outsource a bunch of my daily tasks so I could focus on myself, my family, and my most important projects?

When I was working in real estate, I had a raging migraine, but still needed to finish a deal. My parents drove me around that day and the amount of work I got done on my phone was astounding. That is barely a fraction of the help that celebrities have, and yet we’re constantly comparing ourselves to them, thinking we have the same 24 hours in a day as they do.

The fact that I experience burn-out once a week is not healthy, and not something I wish to keep achieving. So, I’m trying for a little different of an approach to living life, especially that as a woman. I cannot be a career woman AND spend a ton of time with my child. I cannot have a perfectly clean house constantly AND have down time for myself. I cannot have a gym-influenced body AND get the million little things I need to do done. I cannot always provide perfectly healthy meals AND keep on a budget.

And, all of that is perfectly okay. I can’t do it all. I don’t know who can. At least, not without help. Life is a sliding scale. There was a time where my house was wonderfully clean and expertly decorated. There was a time when I worked 80 hours a week and was happy with that. There was a time where I didn’t listen to my body and ended up in the hospital with severe pain, brought on by bought after bought of stress.

We need to stop telling women, stop telling everyone, that we can have it all. Because we can’t. Not all at once, not every single day. Breaks are okay, hell, they’re encouraged. Who ever said you need to be wildly successful before 35?

Find your timeline and work with it. Slide that scale whenever needed and tweak your life until it’s what works for you, not some motivational influencer you found on social media. Because, we all do not have the same 24 hours in a day.

Categories
TV & Books

A Small Rant About the Over-Spending on HGTV Shows

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I’ve a giant pet peeve…well, true to my grumpy old man persona, I have about a million giant pet peeves. Here’s the one I’m fired up about today: why does every single renovation show on HGTV spend more money than they really need to? Like Holmes exclusively buying the most expensive materials for your home when there are just as good, and cheaper, options out there. Or, Jillian Harris spending a disgusting amount of money on furniture when she could be giving those people that must-have powder room.

I’ve been back on the HGTV train (the perfect show to have in the background while a baby crawls and screams and giggles all day) and have been watching a lot of Love it or List it lately. And, I’ve noticed a trend. Every time they open up the house to make these huge changes to design, something goes wrong. The roof needs fixing, the plumbing needs replacing, the old electric panel can’t handle any new technology thrown its way. That’s all normal when it comes to older homes needing an update, and honestly, the homeowners freaking out about it need to chill. Did they buy a home knowing absolutely nothing about it? Do they not understand what goes on underneath their walls and that making sure a house is structurally sound is far more important than flashy wallpaper or paint colours?

Obviously not. It’s a terrifying truth about homeowners, and one I was made aware of time and time again when I worked in real estate. People buy homes and know absolutely dick all about them. They know absolutely nothing about how to keep them updated, or what to do if a fuse blows, or if they have plumbing issues. They blissfully ignore the problem, hoping it’ll go away, or call in someone to repair it (ain’t no shame), then flip out when it costs money. They’re often confused when an older home needs updating and don’t understand how something they spent so much money on could cost even more money. Like homeowners haven’t been talking about how much houses cost to maintain since the beginning of time.

Anyways, I digress.

Every time they open up these homes, there’s a problem. They’re often older homes and haven’t had any upkeep over the years — hence the reason for them to go on the show — and it makes sense. They’re houses and shit happens, plus, what fun would it be if a house got perfectly updated for $10 and everything went smoothly? No renovation show would exist because it would be so simple to upgrade yourself.

What doesn’t make sense is the allocation of the budget. Every single time this happens they need to get rid of one of their wishes. Yes, money can only be stretched so far, as my husband loves to tell me as I drool over a $14 per square foot tile. Sometimes, you have to give in and think about what truly is important. Is it the expensive tile? Or, is it that deep sink you always dreamed of? I don’t understand why all of these renovations need to come complete with a brand new couch, coffee table, TV, heated floors where you really don’t need them (after putting them in myself, I know that you can save about $1,000 give or take the square footage of an average bathroom, by not installing them), or the most expensive tiles. I don’t know about you, but whenever I do a renovation, I don’t automatically get brand-new everything.

We try to keep as much as we can when renovating the house. Sometimes, it’s because we like that item, other times it’s because the original item works just fine, still. Often, it’s because the kitchen table only has a few scuffs and something somewhere else needs updating or replacing. It’s all about give or take. If they would stop spending $20,000 just on new furniture, maybe they could put in that second bathroom that they were told was a deal breaker.

Yes, I know that the furniture makes the design sparkle and pop and the homeowners absolutely lose it over a new table, but wouldn’t it be better if that custom made something or other was just a run-of-the-mill-but-still-looks-great item that costs way less and they have a powder room, too?

The budgets always seem too small in the designer’s eyes, mainly because they don’t seem to understand what a clearance section is, or how to choose tiles that look good and don’t cost $14 per square foot. You can still wow those homeowners, still make a beautiful home, without overspending. Don’t tell my husband I just admitted that. Maybe the Love it side would win a lot more if they would stop overspending, and actually learn how to stick to a budget.

Categories
Life

Are Anniversaries Really That Important?

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I’m not 100% certain on how long my husband and I have been together. We met at a cabin party, and eventually became serious, but the specific date? No idea. There was actually a highly entertaining night where I asked him and he became flustered and nervous because he thought I’d be getting mad at him for not knowing, when in reality, it was me who couldn’t pin down the date. Maybe that was when he knew marrying me would be a good idea.

Of course, I know what our wedding anniversary is. That’s a little more concrete and more memorable than some, ‘yeah we’re together’ moment during dating. Because, dating when you’re an adult is a lot more different than those exciting days when a boy would come up to you in the schoolyard, ask you to go out and then never speak to you again. I mean, I distinctly remember the beginning of mine and Marc’s great romance in 8th grade, but my now-husband? Who knows.

Recently, our first anniversary went by. Excited to eat the top of our wedding cake we had saved for the occassion and an expensive champagne I couldn’t drink at our wedding, I planned, and I use that word loosely, an anniversary day/evening: champagne, cake and Chinese food. That was as far as the planning went. Unfortunately, a storm ripped through our city and surrounding areas and my husband was called away to work for a full week. He came home just before midnight the day before we were to leave on a trip to Australia, exhausted and worn-down, so we boarded the plane the next morning and continued on living our lives. We never did get to celebrate our 1st anniversary together. At least, not until a month later where we just ate the cake and drank the champagne near-randomly during one Sunday afternoon, no fancy dinner (or take-out) planned. More of a ‘let’s just eat this before I eat it on you’ kind of day.

Instead of being crestfallen about missing our first anniversary, I shrugged and had a day eating whatever I wanted and watching whatever I wanted. It was a pretty good day, I must say. Yes, I was disappointed that we couldn’t do anything and celebrate such a ‘milestone’ (if you can’t make it one year, then why’d you get married in the first place?), and doubly disappointed that I couldn’t eat or drink the deliciousness I had planned on ordering, but I found myself not really caring that we missed the specific day. We jokingly said ‘happy anniversary’ when I made coffee for him, bleary-eyed at an ungodly hour before he went off to work an ungodly amount of hours, knowing I wouldn’t see him until I was already in the throes of delightful sleep that night.

Because, what is one simple day? Nothing. It’s a day that worked out in planning your wedding, it’s a day that cemented your relationship, taking it from casual to serious. It’s nothing more than a day.

Now, the 25th and 50th wedding anniversaries are something to be celebrated. You’ve made it a long time with someone without divorcing or killing them and that’s definitely a cause for a party. Instead of celebrating a day, you’re celebrating many, many happy (and some maybe not so happy) years of marriage. That kind of anniversary logic I can whole-heartedly get behind.

The anniversaries in between? Not so much. I have a friend who celebrates when they started dating and when they got married. Two different days. One celebrates in months and half-years, much like a first-time mother celebrates every month since her child has been born. While cute and incredibly nauseating each of those scenarios are, do they really truly matter? Do the smaller anniversaries matter as much as the bigger ones? Does it matter if you’re already loving each other and living and appreciating one another, not necessarily every day, but for most days of the year? Is it really that important to shout from the rooftops that this is your one true love, but only to be shouted once a year?

My answer is no. It’s not. Especially that last part. Social media doesn’t need a long-winded paragraph on how you and your one and only spent your anniversary. A nice picture will do. Let me like it quickly and scroll by without rolling my eyes.

If you’re celebrating every day like it’s your anniversary, then why go all out wonderfully and exuberently on just one day of the year, buying gifts and expensive wines and dinner? If you haven’t already guessed, my feelings on Valentine’s Day are pretty similar. Again, some yummy food and baked goods are all I really need.

To me, spending money on anniversary presents seems silly and not the best way to use your money. And, I use the term ‘your’ as in your money that you share. Are expensive anniversary presents really that important in the long (or short, depending how you see things) scheme of life? If you can afford to buy an expensive present for your anniversary, chances are you can afford to buy it, just because. And, when your money is all tied up together, then does it matter from whom it’s being given? Stay in, turn down the lights and enjoy that present a whole lot more than you would a pair of earrings or a watch.

My seemingly cynical point is this: there’s no need to go all out on an expensive hotel room or dinner or champagne just because it’s your anniversary. Do these things because you want to do these things for fun, that you would do them because it’s a Tuesday or a long-weekend, as well as your anniversary. Do it because these are the types of things you both like. If neither of you enjoy fancy dinners, then why waste the money, time and awkward car-ride and dinner conversation?

For us, we like ordering take-out (something we rarely do, even in this age of UberEats and Skip the Dishes) and sitting on the couch in PJ’s or sweats and enjoying each other’s company. Much like we do nearly every night together. While I enjoy an expensive bottle of champagne and even spendier restaurants, my husband hates them with a passion. He feels awkward and out of place and I would rather enjoy that with someone who will have a good time, like my girlfriends, than someone who is going to feel uncomfortable the whole evening.

Spend time with one another as you normally would, as you normally do. Use your anniversary to celebrate you and the things you both enjoy, but don’t feel pressured to go all out or even feel guilty if you both wake up forgetting what day it is. It’s just a day, anyways.

Categories
TV & Books

Infuriating Things About Emily in Paris

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If you’ve ever been to Paris before, chances are you were annoyed with a few things in Emily in Paris. It was such a classic rude American abroad story that I couldn’t help rolling my eyes at the stupidity. I may be a little late to the Emily in Paris review game, but I was thinking about it late last night and couldn’t get these annoyances out of my head, so now they’re in a grumpy old rant in a nice, easy listicle here for you to enjoy.

Burgers
Okay, Emily is clearly not paying attention to anything around her, which is apparent in more than just her stupidity about food. The scene where she is in the Ralph Lauren restaurant with another American is so unimaginative it’s sigh inducing. Here, Emily complains of not getting a burger in Paris and joyfully orders one off the menu, beyond excited that the menu is in english, because what would be worse than moving to a foreign country and actually having to learn the language? First off, McDonald’s exists in Paris and you can order a beer with your meal, so it’s already kicking America’s butt. So do lots of restaurants that serve burgers. So do restaurants that are all about burgers. My favourite burger joint in Paris? Paris New York. Delicious as fuck.

The Language Barrier.
Okay, so she had to leave fairly quickly and didn’t have much time to learn the language. Fair. But, she seems confused as to why people want to speak the language of their own country and won’t cater to her every whim. She does, eventually, try to learn the language, but her complete rudeness that not everyone will bow down to her American needs makes me want to vomit.

Plain Rude
When she tells her neighbour how stupid it is that the first floor begins on the second floor (and the main ground level floor is actually zero), I can’t. She has just met him and sounds like a complete ass. It’s kind of weird that this is a thing, and can be confusing at times, but it also makes sense. Why would the main floor be the first floor? It’s the main floor, so zero. Honestly, I go back and forth on this and have to remind myself that an apartment on the 5th floor without an elevator is actually 6 flights of stairs and I better be prepared to get my exercise in.


Complain about things all you want, you don’t have to like everything from a country, but don’t be surprised about differences and don’t complain about them to locals you just met. Save that shit for downloads with your friends or your diary. It’s like she expected to move to a different country, but it still be America with better architecture and fashion. Don’t get me started on when she sends back a steak because it isn’t cooked to her, disgusting, expectations.

The Wardrobe
She looks like an idiot in almost every scene and I can’t believe that she’s supposed to be coming off as somewhat fashionable. She’s in Paris, can she not go shopping for some better clothes? She, clearly, has tons of money considering her apartment location and the fact that she never takes the metro. The loud, obnoxious dressing is just so over the top. She doesn’t need to look like every fellow Parisienne, but take note from them and get some better outfits.

Her Expectations
She just expected that she would land in a new country, roll into the office, and then be handed every dream account imaginable. Slow your damn roll, kid. That’s not how life works. If just simply moving to Paris was exciting for you, then take a moment to realize that that is part of the dream package and you’ll, eventually, be able to do more for the company.

Lack of Research
She seemed to have done zero research into living in Paris; instead, she assumed it would be like a movie (and to be honest, her life is like a movie. Her Paris experiences are those that aren’t normal). She would land at the airport, fly over to her ultra chic apartment, and start at her dream job where everything works exactly as it does at home. There are definitely some things to get used to in Paris, and no amount of research can prepare you for some things, but at least do a little research into the company and into the working hours. She didn’t look into when the office would open, and showed up when she thought it should. If you’re starting a new job in a new country, wouldn’t the start time be one of your first questions? If you’re starting a new job in your home city, wouldn’t the start time be one of your first questions?

Instagram Fame
I’m not quite sure how her Instagram following skyrocketed with a few pics of Paris. She had nothing going on before, and suddenly, she’s a star everyone is listening to? I don’t think so. As a social media ‘expert’ she barely even had a hold on her own social media accounts. No amount of charming Parisian architecture will change that.

The American Obsession of Hating Different Cultures
American friends, is this really how all of you were raised? As a Canadian visiting the States many times, I know that these douches actually do exist, but isn’t it about time we all put the stereotype to rest? Or, is it too engrained in some people’s minds (*ahem Darren Star*) to get over?

Yeah, some things are weird in other countries. Yeah, a lot of things can be annoying. Yeah, the stereotypes portrayed in Emily in Paris can be accurate at times. But, not all the time and not with such intensity. It’s just another show of an American who hates everything that is not American. Honestly, I watched this for the supporting characters, and tried my best to ignore the ignorant, rude American who sat front and center. That being said, I really can’t wait for the more seasons.

Categories
Uncategorized

I Published a Book and it Feels…Not How I Imagined

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At the start of the year, my friend and I did something really cool — we published a baby book together. It was fun planning out what the book would look like, getting together to talk about our project at a Starbuck’s (obviously) and putting it all together. I wrote the story, she did the illustrations, and we took over a month trying to figure out how to self-publish on Amazon without ruining the illustrations.

I thought it would be such a joyous moment, publishing my first book, thought it would feel exciting to brag to people that I did something I had only dreamed of doing. It didn’t really work that way, though. Imposter Syndrome was taking hold of my brain and there was nothing I could do about it. After the exciting moment of hitting publish wore off, I started to worry about what people would think. Would they hate the writing? Would they think it sounds stupid? Would they hate the illustrations? Would they think they could have written a book like this and make more money than us? Would people laugh in our faces for even trying?

There were a lot of ‘would theys’ running through my mind, more than I thought could fit in there at one time. I always knew I would have some nervous feelings and doubt in that I could do something like publish a book – I just didn’t know it would take a hold of me so strongly.

Some of it came down to the fact that the book didn’t look exactly how we imagined it to. We couldn’t do an actual board book, which is best for babies who like to chew and rip at pages, because Amazon doesn’t offer that type of printing. We had to change some of the colours we used on the illustrations as when it was scanned into the computer it didn’t take properly. We had to re-imagine what the layout would look like as the book needed to be a certain number of pages to be published and the writing wouldn’t show up as nicely as we thought it would on the pages.

Not only did I have the regular Imposter Syndrome, I was having doubts on how our book looked. Changing styles and formats can happen when publishing, of course, that’s nothing new. Having to do such things yourself is stressful. A lot more stressful than people make it out to be. This is also why people don’t self-publish automatically. We decided we didn’t care and just wanted to do it, a thought-process that has taken me literally over a decade to realize.

Even though the publishing process wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, I’m still feeling excited for the future. We’ve already started on a second baby book, getting ready to publish that bad boy by spring. As any writer knows, sometimes you just need to get the story out, regardless if anyone reads it. It may not be a novel (yet), but it’s a fun way to tell a story. It may not have been perfect, but what road is? Stop listening to that Imposter Syndrome and go for your dreams; it may not lead you where you thought, but you’ll have taken the chance on yourself and that means so much more.

Want to check it out? I made a whole page dedicated to my published book right here on this blog.

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Life

Procrastination is Still Procrastination Even if you’re Being Productive

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Procrastination gets us all at one time or another, doesn’t it. Even if you’re the most studious in whatever you’re doing, there will be moments when you hit a wall and don’t want to do anything. Or, want to do everything but what you need to do. It may feel good to get another task done, and like you’re still being productive, but it doesn’t matter how you dress it up, it’s still procrastination.

If you’re not meant to be doing it, then cleaning your house, organizing your drawers, gardening, shying away from the one task on your to-do list that you must complete, then it’s procrastination. Yes, even if you are doing other work. Especially if you are doing work that doesn’t need to be done right now, or maybe ever.

I used to think that as long as I was writing, I was being a good little girl and getting my work done. Sometimes, certain projects took over, and others were left to wait it out. Usually, it works out nicely. Work for clients always takes precedent over my own projects because, well, they’re paying me. Plus, there’s that whole reputation thing and people tend to complain if you tell them that you’re more important than whatever it is they’re paying you to do.

Fair.

If I was doing something to build an audience, or to get that idea that just popped into my mind down on paper (er, computer screen), then it was okay. I was still working, so obviously there was no harm no foul. 10 months later…and…I’m still staring at that goal I made months ago, barely able to inch forward. I’m using the excuse of writing here on Medium, looking for new freelance jobs, and thinking of new projects (yep, even more, because why would I finish a project when I could start a new one) to not work on my own project.

For me, imposter syndrome is what derails my plans to get cracking on that project, complete it, and send it out into the world. For a lot of people, without any research done at all on the topic, I’m sure that’s the same reason. It’s easier to procrastinate, do something else, start a new project, than to finish one and succumb to the possibility of bad comments. Who would want to crush their dreams, even if a few people are balking at them, when they could keep it alive by never finishing anything?

While you may feel like you’re accomplishing a lot, you’re really not when it comes to the most important things. So, what can you do? Well, for one, just do the damn project. Find out what is stopping you from moving forward. Are you not interested in it anymore? Is imposter syndrome hitting you hard? Have you been working too long and just need a break? Do you need to get some small tasks out of the way to feel accomplished before you hit the bigger ones?

When I was working in an office, I used to make a list of everything I needed to do that day. While I was having my coffee and slowly starting my day, I crossed off most of the easy things on my list right away, leaving a few for when my brain felt tired and sad. It made me feel like I had already accomplished so much and I could ride that high while I tackled the big things I had been putting off. Sometimes, a conversation with another co-worker to clear my brain and add some happy hormones to my body was enough to get me going.

Find whatever makes you feel like you’re ready to get back to working and stick with it until that doesn’t feel like it’s working. It’s always good practice to pivot in everything you do, whenever it’s needed.

Now get out there, stop procrastinating by reading this post, and get those projects done.

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Mom Life

I Used to be a Person

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I used to be a person. I used to have my own dreams, my own desires, my own time, my own identity. I used to do things for myself, working hard on those dreams of mine, wondering if they would be attainable.

I’m now a mother and no longer an actual person. My time is eaten up by minding a — now — toddler, cleaning, cooking, taking care of everyone, and forgetting about myself. Even when you have all of the support in the world, it’s easy to get lost in it. Get stuck in motherhood and forget who you are, who you used to be. Because you’re not that person anymore. You’ve changed, some of it for the better, some of it not. There are so many things I’m happy for now, and yet, I’m missing the things that make me…me.

I used to be a person, but now I’m bogged down. I guess that’s the best way to describe it, because we know that other moms have done just fine and gone on to jobs and worked and achieved their dreams and goals. I try not to think about that, not just because it makes me feel like a shitty person overall for not doing everything so ‘perfectly’ or for getting so exhausted by day to day life, but because I still label those moms as career oriented women and moms separately. I still feel like my ‘regular life’ and my ‘mom life’ are two separate things needed to be kept apart so that both can flourish, and yet one of those quietly fades away.

The ‘mom life’ is always there because it is life, it is the mundane, the daily tasks, the behind-the-scenes work. There is the never-ending list of chores, the fun activities that take up most of my energy and day. The guilt that eats away whenever I do something for myself besides sleep.

It’s hard not to yearn for the person that I used to be. For the carefree life I used to live, for the freedom I had before everything revolved around one tiny creature. I know that some things will get easier in time, like drinking my coffee while it’s still hot, but will the person I used to be be waiting for me? Will she have turned, too tired of waiting for the ‘next weekend’ or the ‘tomorrows’ that always get pushed aside because something more important came up?

I worry that she will get lost, never to be found, while this newness and wonderfulness takes over my whole life. You better not forget the wonderfulness, because you’re not allowed to yearn for different times while you’re a mother. You’re not allowed to be the person you once were, barely allowed to be your own person. So, I tell her to hold on, that’ll one day I’ll reach out and take her hand, bringing her back to the here and now, but for now, she just needs to wait. Wait for a time when life isn’t so chaotic, isn’t so new, isn’t so all consuming. Like that time will actually come.

Once upon a time I used to be a person, but now I’m just mom.

Categories
Life Nature

Why I’m a Big Fan of Buying Eco-Friendly Products Before Using the Old

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Switching to an eco-friendly lifestyle isn’t the easiest thing done. It takes time to find the products you like, in your budget, that actually work. It feels daunting, images of people posting their pretty zero waste mason jars filled with barely anything as the trash they accumulated the entire year (which, by the way, is total, absolute bullshit). You wonder how you can switch to the bar shampoo, usually sitting at $14, when you can barely afford that cheap $3 shampoo at the grocery store. You have no idea where to start and what to do, what makes the biggest impact and if you’re actually helping the planet.

It’s a lot. But, it really, really doesn’t have to be.

There are so many things that we’ve switched to doing, or not doing, in order to live a more eco-friendly lifestyle. Some things have been tweaked as they weren’t as sustainable as I thought, being that we couldn’t keep doing it and it didn’t fit well into our lives. While there is so much that we are doing, it still feels like we are not doing enough, which is a cyclical nightmare you can get stuck in unless you’re an asshole who owns 5 yachts and two private planes. Just one yacht is good enough, guys.

Instead of freaking out over whether or not you’re doing everything you can, know that you’re still doing the best that you can. Stop, Breathe. And, try again.

When I was phasing out plastic wrap in our home, I still had a huge box of plastic wrap that I used often. It was that behemoth from Costco and it felt like it would never be finished. I still had a good year or give left on that thing, but I jumped on buying beeswax wraps, thinking that they would be an absolute saviour and get us off of the plastic wrap train. I tried local and not so local and gave them a shot with some foods, saving the plastic wrap for meat and when I was out of beeswax wraps or got too lazy to clean them right away. I felt like such an eco-friendly star and told everyone to give them a try…even though they didn’t always stick well, washing them was a pain, and I couldn’t use them on all foods.

It’s 5 years later and I have zero beeswax wraps in my house. I also have zero plastic wrap. Instead, I have bowl covers and containers, some plastic, some not (because using what you have first is always the best option). I’m glad I bought the beeswax to try them out while I still owned plastic wrap. They didn’t work for us, which meant I would’ve just high-tailed it back to the plastic wrap life and never looked back. Instead, I pivoted and found new ways to store my food and now don’t miss the ‘ease’ of plastic wrap.

When I switched to bamboo toothbrushes, I still had plastic ones sitting in my drawer. Thinking the same as my plastic wrap, I tested out the bamboo seeing if I liked one product over another. Finally, I found what worked for us in regards to price point and feel. It may have felt weird to use a plastic toothbrush after months of brushing with a bamboo one, but it felt good at the same time because I had found something that I liked enough that using anything else was disappointing.

It’s easy to just jump to a store and start grabbing plastic-free products and cleaner beauty items, but not every single product works for every single household. And, heading to a store to buy every single thing eco-friendly really only works if you have lots of money to spend and don’t need to stay on a budget. Like everything you buy for yourself or your home, it’s all trial and error. After a couple of decades of dressing myself and picking out my clothes, I finally know what fits me and that I don’t need to stray from my brands, fabrics, or cuts. I know what coffee I like after trying many, and I know which shampoo bars work better than others and better than the plastic bottles.

Throwing away that less than friendly item may seem like a good idea, but using up what you already have while you find something to replace it is better for the environment, your wallet, and your habits.

Categories
Mom Life

The Best Mom Advice, Ever

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The best advice you’ll ever get as a parent: take the entire day, and night, to yourself.

Whenever grandparents would babysit, I would rush around trying to do everything. I’d clean the house, workout, work on some writing, study a bit of French. In the early days, I’d either sleep, or lay on the couch watching TV, half asleep, just trying to survive. There is no better feeling than sitting on the couch in your jammies, eating snacks no one is stealing, and watching your favourite TV show. To think I took this type of relaxing for granted.

I may have been getting some things done, but I still felt exhausted and like I was drowning, constantly. It didn’t seem worth it to continue to try to get everything finished as fast as I could in the little time that I had to myself. Besides, my house was completely trashed in ten seconds once my toddler returned home. The level of clean and tidiness I was reaching for when she was away was not sustainable, which is a completely different topic. So, when my husband was away on a trip and my daughter was at her grandparent’s for a sleepover, I did something I hadn’t done in a very long time: I did absolutely nothing.

I did some things that needed to be done like making supper and a few dishes, but I didn’t try to write 5,000 words, or study, or run myself into the ground trying to clean the entire house from top to bottom. I sat on that couch and watched TV and read and did everything I used to do when my husband went away on his annual snowboarding trip.

At first, I felt weird. The house was too quiet. I felt like I was wasting my time and that I should be taking advantage of the free time by trying to make last minute plans with friends, or do something productive. But, I held steady. I told myself to just relax and do whatever I wanted to in that moment. That meant lying on the couch, eating snacks, and watching that TV. It also meant that my mind start get bored (I also got a little fidgety and twitchy, which is a little concerning that that was my body’s response to total quiet and relaxation) I felt like I could write, again. So, I did that. Because it felt right.

I went to bed that night feeling a little weird, but relatively satisfied with my evening. The next morning, I woke up feeling refreshed, cheerful, and exactly how my old self used to. I got up and had my coffee, still hot, and read a magazine. Don’t worry, the lazing stopped there as chores needed to be done, but they didn’t feel quite as ‘chore-y’. I scooted through the list of to-dos, stopping to watch an episode of TV or read a little more. Even though I was being productive like I had originally that I had to be every single second away from my child, it felt good. I didn’t mind the chores because my mind was well-rested, and I had some actual time to myself.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the trap of trying to be as productive as possible every waking second, kid(s) or not. Once you have that free time as a mother, the whole perspective changes. What are you going to do with those few hours? See friends? Hang out with your husband/partner? Workout? Relax? Sleep? Work on fulfilling projects? The list is endless on what we feel like we have to do, but not what we want to do. It’s time we started thinking about ourselves and letting our own wants and needs take over. If all you want to do with your free time is absolutely nothing, then do it. You’ll reset your mind and feel a whole lot better about everything. Trust me.