Stop Robbing yourself of Joy to be Found

I almost didn’t go.

I made plans with someone I met and cancelled on her once.

Once because I was feeling too tired, too stressed, too busy, too blah to go and meet her.

We made plans and I felt good.

We didn’t talk for the week leading up to said plans and I started to feel dread.

I felt panic creep up, wondering if I was wasting my time going out and meeting someone. Of trying to make new friends in my 30s. I wondered if I had enough energy to make the (medium short) drive to meet her. I wondered if I could get the things I had planned to do that day done before I could meet her. I wondered if I would end up not liking her as much as I did when we first started chatting.

I saw her text to confirm and I panicked.

I ran to the group chat and told them about my conundrum. They urged me to go.

I replied back, but pushed the time. There, I thought with satisfaction, that would give me enough time to finish the laundry and the ribs and actually enjoy my meal and kiss my daughter before bed. It gave me time to breathe.

I almost didn’t go because I felt too stressed. Too busy. Too blah. Too ready to put the things that I had been trying to make time for on the backburner. Again. Always, again. Always, later. I’ll do this chore later. I’ll write that post, or chapter, or single fucking sentence, later. I’ll print the photos later. I’ll make the plans later.

Later, later, later.

Always full of laters, but continuously running out of time. I can put things off until I feel 100%. I can put things off until I’m in the perfect mood. But time still ticks away, laughing at my procrastination. Laughing at my laters.

I almost didn’t go, but I did, anyways.

I put on a dress that makes me smile and feels comfortable and makes me feel like myself.

I drove out to the restaurant and parked. I waited.

I worried, for a moment, that she would stand me up. Because if I was teetering close to the edge of not meeting someone just for a coffee, then why wouldn’t someone else feel the same way? Surely, everyone was putting things off. Isn’t that why we always have new years’ resolutions and goals exploding from everywhere the couple of days leading up to the last of the year?

But, she showed. It felt awkward, at first, a bit like a first date, which I suppose it was. A first date of friendship. I have the same feeling picking out an outfit to meet someone I might be friends with as I did when I was piking out my outfit to meet my now-husband. Dress to impress, but not too impressive lest you look unapproachable.

I ordered a piece of cake, glad to have something to do with my hands, because what does anyone ever do with their hands? I worried that I’d have to make an excuse to leave early. Perhaps we wouldn’t be as matched as the internet thought. As our initial text messages made it seem. Perhaps we’d find out things about one another that didn’t sit well with the type of person we were.

The one thought I didn’t have was perhaps I’d have fun.

I didn’t expect it. I loathe the unfamiliar. Surely, it wouldn’t be as fun as when you’re at a party and have a safety friend nearby, anchoring you to the world.

And yet, it happened. I had fun. I enjoyed chatting. I laughed and smiled and abandoned my cake and my nervous movements shortly after we started talking. I saw the restaurant start to empty. I knew that it closed soon, but refused to look at the time because I was enjoying myself too much. When one of the waiters came over to tell us the restaurant had closed and to leave out the back door when ready (read: get the fuck ouuuutt), I felt disappointed. I put on my coat, immediately, as I don’t want to be that person, but I had wished I didn’t push the time.

I had wished I didn’t say later, later later.

I had wished that maybe we could have planned better for a place that didn’t close so early so we could keep chatting and laughing.

I got into my truck and text my friends about my success. I may have made a great new friend, I may have made a cool acquaintance, I may only see this person a handful of times before life takes over and we lose touch, but I had fun. I did something exciting, I met someone cool, and I enjoyed myself.

I couldn’t help think about the fact that I almost didn’t go.